Ouch.

In the process of packing up a year of my life and moving most of it into storage, I've found a few interesting items that I had forgotten were in my possession. The most interesting thus far was an old journal that I haven't written in for over a year. I believe I kept it because it has entries from a number of memorable events, including my last summer at church camp, notes from a speech by Rob Bell, and a disciple now I attended February of '09. Great stuff. Memories that both make me hurt and smile to read about.

One entry in particular surprised me. It was of a dream I had summer '09, a few weeks after the aforementioned church camp. I was on vacation on an island in the Bahamas with my loving parents and my best friend. It should have been an idyllic week of my life, but my mind was in turmoil over a lost friendship.

This person and her family hurt me more than I care to mention. That summer has since scarred the way I connect to people and make friendships. I was never given an explanation for the behavior I was shown; I was never given an apology. It still feels like a knife in my gut, and I hate myself for it.

"I had an absolutely terrible dream last night, possibly one of the worst I've had in a while. It wasn't scary; I didn't wake up with a start or in a cold sweat or anything like that. But once I fully realized what it was about, it made me feel hopeless and sad. I dreamed X explicitly forgave me and told me she missed our friendship as much as I did. She was so open and warm and sorry for what had happened, it was so real within my heart, I felt so glad."

I hope one day these people realize just how much they hurt me and everyone else they left behind, not because I want them to feel bad, but because I want them to know how important they were to us. She helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life, and it meant so much. They made me a part of their family. It really tore me up when they kicked me out of it for a reason I didn't understand.