Ten Songs that drive me crazy... In a good way.

1. Saves the Day- "Tomorrow Too Late"

2. As Tall As Lions- "Milk and Honey"

3. The Story So Far- "Quicksand"

4. Tigers Jaw- "Spirit Desire"

5. Balance and Composure- "Stonehands"

6. The Pixies- "Here Comes Your Man"

7. David Bazan- "In Stitches"

8. The Arcade Fire- "In the Backseat"

9. The Zombies- "Tell Her No"

10. As Cities Burn- "Wrong Body"

"Long Term Relationships Were Only Cool When Divorce Wasn't" by Merchant Ships

'What's the point in listening when your words are filled with lies?

A spoken sense of burning down your bridges and your ties,

Phone calls laced with memories of what will never be,

The judges voice is cold and clear, "No more family."

We'll be buried in a graveyard, next to my childhood,

Just a place I'll visit, 'cause it'll "do me good,"

When I grow up, I'll forgive you and Dad for this,

But I won't pretend I forgive you when you say "sorry kids."

What's the point in listening when your words are filled with lies?

A spoken sense of burning down your bridges and your ties,

Phone calls laced with memories of what will never be,

The voice of Death is cold and clear, "No more family."

We'll be buried in a graveyard, next to my childhood,

The eulogy suggests that we once said we could,

Life is not about us, for you and Dad, at least,

So don't expect forgiveness when you say "we're sorry."

We stand on our own, looking for a place to call our home.'

Listen

Ouch.

In the process of packing up a year of my life and moving most of it into storage, I've found a few interesting items that I had forgotten were in my possession. The most interesting thus far was an old journal that I haven't written in for over a year. I believe I kept it because it has entries from a number of memorable events, including my last summer at church camp, notes from a speech by Rob Bell, and a disciple now I attended February of '09. Great stuff. Memories that both make me hurt and smile to read about.

One entry in particular surprised me. It was of a dream I had summer '09, a few weeks after the aforementioned church camp. I was on vacation on an island in the Bahamas with my loving parents and my best friend. It should have been an idyllic week of my life, but my mind was in turmoil over a lost friendship.

This person and her family hurt me more than I care to mention. That summer has since scarred the way I connect to people and make friendships. I was never given an explanation for the behavior I was shown; I was never given an apology. It still feels like a knife in my gut, and I hate myself for it.

"I had an absolutely terrible dream last night, possibly one of the worst I've had in a while. It wasn't scary; I didn't wake up with a start or in a cold sweat or anything like that. But once I fully realized what it was about, it made me feel hopeless and sad. I dreamed X explicitly forgave me and told me she missed our friendship as much as I did. She was so open and warm and sorry for what had happened, it was so real within my heart, I felt so glad."

I hope one day these people realize just how much they hurt me and everyone else they left behind, not because I want them to feel bad, but because I want them to know how important they were to us. She helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life, and it meant so much. They made me a part of their family. It really tore me up when they kicked me out of it for a reason I didn't understand.

Melville

"Let the most absent-minded of men be plunged into his deepest reveries -- stand that man on his legs, set his feet a-going, and he will infallibly lead you to water, if water there be in all that region.... Yes, as everyone knows, meditation and water are wedded forever."

One.

Tell me, Mom and Dad, what second love looks like,

'Cause this first-time-one-and-only love is getting so trite.

If divorce is the new black and second marriage the new white,

I think I'll skip the initial bullshit and head right to the end of my life.

Tell me what you find worth living for

When the first love you find starts to go sour.

If that promise can be broken,

We'll find a thousand other forevers, we'll be like waves in the ocean.

The swell begins and the good feelings rise.

We'll hardly notice our friends with concern in their eyes.

We'll ride the top of the wave, we'll make love in the sky,

And when we crash and drown we'll still tell everyone that we tried.

Tell me how you make it alone and sore

When the first love you find drops your heart on the floor.

If that promise can be broken,

I'll keep my heart a shelved book, empty pages, words unspoken.

God forbid I have children when the love finally dies;

I'd be up all night listening to their fatherless cries.

By the time I find my second it's too late to try

To convince them that love can be more than just feelings that lie.

"Down Under" by Men At Work

"Travelling in a fried-out combie,

On a hippie trail, head full of zombie,

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous,

She took me in and gave me breakfast,

And she said...

'Do you come from a land down-under?

Where women glow and men plunder,

Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder,

You better fun, you better take cover.'

Buying bread from a man in Brussels,

He was six-foot-four and full of muscles,

I said 'Do you speak my language?'

He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich,

And he said...

'I come from a land down-under,

Where beer does flow and men chunder,

Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder,

You better run, you better take cover.'

Lying in a den in Bombay,

With a slack jaw and not much to say,

Said to the man 'Are you trying to tempt me?'

Because I come from the land of plenty?

And he said...

'Oh!!!!!!!! Do you come from a land down-under?

Where women glow and men plunder,

Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder,

You better run, you better take cover.'"

Official Video

Love is for the lionhearted

First off, I want to talk about how much I love cooking. I'm not that great at it, I'll admit... but I'm pretty damn good. Anytime I've got the time, motivation, and resources to cook up a great meal, I do pretty well. Tonight's dinner consisted of chicken fajitas with spinach, mushrooms, a green bell pepper, tomatillos, refried pinto beans, avocado, and mozzarella cheese. And, of course, Strawberry Serenity kombucha sparkling fermented tea to drink. Simple, I know, but so, so good.

Yes, I did just spend a paragraph to brag about my amateur cooking skills. What was more important about tonight's dinner, though, was that I got to share it with someone I consider a good friend, and a great person. I've been thinking a bit lately about what kinds of experiences really bond us together as people; why some relationships succeed and others miserably fail without any very good reason.

At this point in my life, I don't care much about what my career is going to be in the next five to ten years. I've given up trying to control that, because college is scary and confusing and it makes me nervous to think I've got to figure it all out right now. What I do know is this: I want to make deep, meaningful connections to the people around me. I want to give them all of the love and compassion and support I possibly can. I want to spend all of myself on making other people better, in the most general sense.

I'm not doing a very good job of that just yet. I get angry at people for the wrong reasons, I let my passions blind me to the sensitivities of others, and I hold back important parts of myself to keep relationships surface-deep. Concerning the latter, sometimes protecting your heart from people who can't take care of it is necessary. I realize that. My goal is to be so well enough on my own that I am able to share those pieces of myself more often.

My biggest goal, however, is to consistently improve the way I look at people. I want to see every person as worth my effort, time, and love. I want to care about the people in rural India so much that it makes me cry to see them in pain. I want to show my friends just how damn fond I am of them. I want to finally be able to love the woman who deemed me unworthy of her love. If I end up working in some dull office building the rest of my life, I want to find a way to meet the needs of all of the people around me the best way that I can.

And the best way I know to do all of this is to find out what bonds people together and welcome it into my life. People who love each other and meet each other's needs suffer together, eat together, laugh together. I want to suffer with the people who still live in storm-battered tents in Haiti. I want to eat with the homeless man who stands on the corner of my street. I want to laugh with the kid who doesn't speak any languages I know.

I've been concentrating so hard on making myself a better person. Now I want to use all of my energy to help other people be better.

I'm an idealist, I know. But isn't now the best time for that? I have few responsibilities, lots of options, and an excess in resources. I've got the world ahead of me.